


Downgraded

by wabadabadaba



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Crying, Heartache, Heartbreak, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Im warning you, Lots of tears, M/M, Oh and not a happy ending, Quarantine, Sad, Screaming, Self Isolation, all the tears, don't get your hopes up, its sad, very very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:27:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23370196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wabadabadaba/pseuds/wabadabadaba
Summary: I don't know why you downgraded what we had, but I did not make us up.Or the one where Louis has too much time to think while in self-isolation so he calls Harry after not speaking to him in years.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	Downgraded

**Author's Note:**

> When I say this self-isolation quarantine shit has me fucked up, it has me fucked all the way up. 
> 
> I was inspired by a quote from The Office. It's season 7 episode 4, Sex Ed. It's the phone call Michael makes to Holly at the end of the episode. It hurt my heart in just the right way and it inspired this painful fic. 
> 
> _I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said, it's just... you know? It's weird, today I ended up seeing a lot of the women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great, and then when I actually saw them it was mostly a freakshow. And you and me, that must've been a real trainwreck. You know what? Holly, you're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us, and talking to you today, I-don't-feel for them anything like what I feel for you. It's... I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you, you were the only one who was actually happy to hear from me, and I don't know why you downgraded what we had, but I did not make us up._

The days were blurring together, schedules were thrown out the window days ago and Louis couldn’t remember the last time he talked to someone that wasn’t his dog. It was another day in self-isolation due to the pandemic sweeping the globe. Louis knew he could be using his time for more valuable things like writing music, catching up with his siblings or cleaning his house. 

Instead, he was laying in bed watching his ceiling fan turn as he thought about Harry Styles. He thought about him more times than he ever cared to admit to himself. At least a few months ago he was distracted by working on his album and doing press for the release so he was distracted. Now that he was in self-isolation, he couldn’t stop his mind from wandering to his old lover. 

There are days that Louis thinks he made it all up; made up the inside jokes, the late-night talks, the stolen kisses. His time in One Direction was a whirlwind that he still hasn’t processed despite not being a band for four years. Louis thinks maybe the alcohol, the weed, and the adrenaline mixed together fucked with his memory. He thinks maybe he just wanted him and Harry to be in a relationship so badly, that he created the memories out of his own desperation. 

Louis closed his eyes to try and stop the tears that were forming as he tried to recall the way Harry felt wrapped up beside him. Despite their obvious height difference Harry always managed to tuck himself perfectly into Louis’s side; as if they were two puzzle pieces coming together. If Louis tried hard enough he could still feel the way Harry’s hair tickled his arms or the way Harry dragged his fingers over Louis’s stomach. 

Those memories, Louis knows are real. He knows he fell in love with Harry when he was 18 years old. He knows Harry loved him back, just as fiercely and genuinely. He knows the memories of their first kiss, their first date, their first fuck and the first time they made love wasn’t made up. Louis couldn’t have imagined something so right, so perfect. 

Along with the good memories came the bad. The memories of the four of them realizing they were done touring, done making music, that they had had enough. Louis remembered staying awake at night worrying that the band breaking up meant that he and Harry were breaking up. He would lie to himself and say, _there is no way you two are done, you’re Harry and Louis. You’ll be Harry and Louis forever_. The next day Harry cried at Louis’s feet and explained that he had felt distant from Louis for quite some time, that he wanted to experience this new world that had opened up to him, to both of them. Louis wanted to beg and plead for Harry to reconsider, to remember all the good times they had. 

Harry was merely 16 when they started dating and as much as Louis didn’t want to let him go, he knew he had to. It was only fair to let Harry go and experience all that life had to offer him. Louis didn’t want to force Harry to stay in a relationship with him if he didn’t want to be in one. It broke Louis’s heart to watch Harry leave for home knowing what they had was over. Louis didn’t think he could handle the pain. 

Then his mother died and all Louis wanted was Harry. He wanted Harry to wrap him up and tell him it was going to be okay, reassure him that his siblings would be fine. The pain of losing his mother never fully went away, it turned into a dull ache that Louis felt in his chest constantly. Over time, while making his album and rediscovering himself, the love he held for Harry wasn’t at the forefront of his mind anymore. He was able to listen to music without automatically thinking of Harry. Everything was going fine until he lost one of his younger sisters. 

Louis had never felt more devastated or empty before. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep for months. The feeling of wanting to be wrapped up in Harry came back stronger than ever. All Louis wanted was to hear one of Harry’s terrible jokes, hear Harry’s laughter fill the silence of his house, he wanted Harry to fill him up and make him forget about all the pain he was holding in his heart. 

Louis carries the pain of losing two family members in the span of three years in a ball in the center of his chest. Distraction and time helped but now there were no distractions and while the world shut down to stop the spread of a virus, time felt like it stood still. 

In the quiet of Louis’s house, all he could think about was Harry. HarryHarryHarry. He wondered what he was doing. He wondered how many friends he had around him to help him deal with the isolation. He wondered how many great songs Harry was going to be able to write. He wondered if Harry ever thought about him. He wondered why Harry dismissed their relationship so easily, he wondered how Harry could downgrade all the love they had for one another to strangers, living across the world from one another. 

Louis knew now was his chance, there was no one there to remind him how stupid he was acting. There was no one there to remind him how bad this was going to hurt when it was all said and done. He dialed the latest number he had for Harry and waited with bated breath for him to answer.

“Hello?” 

Louis nearly choked on the sound and shut his eyes tight as he heard Harry repeat the greeting. His voice had only gotten deeper and smoother, like honey dripping into a cup of tea. 

“Why did you do this to me?” Louis asked, his voice cracking. 

“Louis? Louis is that you? Are you alright?”

“I heard what you said, what you said to Niall after the Brit Awards. I know he asked you if we had talked and you waved him off like it was nothing like I was nothing to you. That’s not fair, Harry.”

“Louis, I don’t think this is the right time for this. It’s nearly 4 am in London right now. You should be sleeping.”

“You left,” Louis cried. “You left and you took all these memories, all of our firsts together and you tossed them away like I made them all up. Like they were just stories I told you to help you fall asleep at night. You made me throw us away like I didn’t spend my nights dreaming of what our wedding would have looked like, what our kid’s names would be or how we would decorate our home in London and on the coast of California.”

“You really think I didn’t think of those things too, Louis? Do you think it was easy for me to walk away? To end things?”

“It sure as shit looked easy when you walked off the plane and you didn’t look back,” Louis sobbed. “You didn’t even say goodbye!”

“How was I supposed to?” Harry asked, raising his voice just as Louis had. “How was I supposed to say goodbye to you, Louis? Hm? Hug you tight or kiss your forehead or fuck you the way you liked when we knew were going to be away from each other during a break? How did you expect me to walk away from some of the best few years of my life? I didn’t just lose you Louis, I lost the band too.”

“Fuck you Styles,” Louis’s head felt like it was spinning and his heart was beginning to hurt. “You could have said something, anything! You didn’t have to walk away like that. You could have said goodbye at least! You could have said anything, at any time.”

“And have this conversation?” Harry snarled. “You wanted me to call you up after your mom passed or your sister passed and have this exact conversation we are having right now? You only would have yelled at me for leaving you like you are now!” 

“Fuck!” Louis yelled. “Fuck! You know I needed you, you know I didn’t have anyone else. You know I had to be strong for them. I needed you,” Louis whimpered. “I needed you and you weren’t there. You downgraded our amazing love story into something I don’t recognize,” Louis told him, his voice softer and more hoarse. “I think the worst of it all is that I still love you and I can’t even truly be mad at you. I know why you did it, I know why you wanted to break up. You had this new world at your fingertips and you had to find yourself. You’re doing great, Harry, you really are. Your music is revolutionary. You’re breaking records, topping the charts. You’re doing everything so well. I just wish I could have been beside you through it all. I wish our love was enough for you.”

Louis heard Harry crying and he wished he had someone around to tell him to get off the fucking phone and do something productive, like go the fuck to sleep and stop hurting yourself. 

“It’s not the same without you, Lou. It’s amazing, it is and I love what I’m doing. I’m so lucky, I’m so goddamn lucky but it doesn’t feel the same, success doesn’t taste the same when you’re not by my side.”

The two were silent for a while, both trying to keep their composure and not wanting to scream at the other again. 

“You know,” Harry sighed. “I wanted to call you, I did. I knew you needed me. I was so worried about you but I convinced myself that you had people in your life looking out for you.”

“I did,” Louis told him. “I do, they’re not the same. Nothing is the same anymore. You know what you said about nothing feeling the same or success not tasting the same. I was finally becoming okay, I was finally feeling successful with the kind of music I was making and then Felicite died and everything came to a halting stop. I can’t believe I’m still here,” Louis laughed gravely. “I don’t know how I’m doing it without you.”

“You’ve always been the stronger one.”

“Not tonight,” Louis admitted. 

“I suppose neither of us is very strong tonight, huh? I guess this conversation was bound to happen. I should have known it would happen during a quarantine.”

“Too much time to think,” Louis mumbled, his mind was going in circles, he couldn’t think anymore, couldn’t feel anymore. 

“Yeah,” Harry sighed. “Louis, I’m sorry for making it seem like our love story wasn’t as beautiful and life-changing as it was. I’m sorry for making you think I downgraded it to nothing. It wasn’t nothing, Louis, you were everything. You consumed my thoughts and all the space I had in my heart. I’m sorry that I had to end things.”

“I know. I know why you did it. I’m sorry too, you know. I’m sorry we couldn’t make our love last longer. I can’t wait to hear the music that you create out of this weird time in the world.”

Harry laughed and Louis closed his eyes to picture the way he looked when he laughed when they were together. “You too, Louis.”

“Goodbye, Harry, I love you.”

“I love you too, Louis. Goodbye.”

Louis didn’t feel any better. If anything, he was hurt worse than before. His eyes were sore from rubbing them and from all the crying, his palm hurt from where he balled his hand into a fist, and his throat was hoarse from screaming and crying. Louis laid back in his bed and watched the ceiling fan turn and turn and turn, while he thought about what Harry was telling his friends right now. He wondered if Harry regretted answering the phone, he wondered if Harry regretted their relationship or regretted ending their relationship. Louis wondered if they would ever talk again. Louis thought about what his life would be like when the love he had for Harry didn’t consume him as much, he wondered how he was ever going to make it to that point.


End file.
